How To Test Your Self-Validation: 20 things you need to be telling yourself

The question I have been exploring lately is how can we practice self-validation?

This is hard for a lot of us, especially because the world profits off of us when we feel we need validation. There is an endless line of people in this world ready to tell you what to do, how to do it, how you’re broken or unlovable, what to wear, who to love, all the things.

So how do you really start to validate yourself? Here are 5 ways you can practice improving your self-validation. A big part of self-validation includes knowing and understanding the way you talk to yourself. So included with each tip are 4 things you can start saying yourself (if you aren’t already) in a way that validates who you are and your own unique journey.

Encourage Yourself

Before seeking validation from someone else, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.

I recall telling someone close to me about something really great that happened for me at my job. I wanted them to tell me good job, or that’s awesome or something to that effect.

These are the types of things we need to be telling ourselves FIRST. Before telling other people, before we go to the external world for verification of something.

I was so proud of myself already, so when I received a negative response — I just walked away. I want to share my achievements with people who will actually want to celebrate them with me. And to do that, I kept telling myself things like this:

• I’m so proud of myself.
• I did a really great job.
• I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.
• I refuse to give up.

Acknowledge your Strengths

Your strengths, successes, progress, and effort.

It’s not always easy to do this. I had a friend who I met in an art class who was (and still is) amazingly gifted. She loves to paint, and it shows in her work. One day, in an effort to continue to get to know her better, I asked her to name 5 things she was good at. I thought she’d start with painting or art and go on to tell me more. But she just completely froze.

It makes sense though, because sometimes when people are confident in their abilities — we tend to label them as cocky or conceited. Believing in your own abilities isn’t conceited or self-centered.

This one takes a little more work, because it involves increasing your self-awareness. But you can start by saying things to yourself like:

• I know I am talented because → think of a time you performed a talent
• I know I am loyal because → think of a time you were loyal
• I know I am confident because → think of a time you were confident
• I know I am creative because → think of a time you were creative

You get the idea. Choose moments where you really and truly embodied that quality and genuinely believed it about yourself. If these adjectives don’t resonate with you, here’s some other adjectives you can use for this practice:

Be Patient with Yourself

Over 80% of our self-talk is negative, so this one, again requires self-awareness and more importantly: compassion.

Slow down, and pause to notice the things you say to yourself. Would you say these types of things to a friend or loved one? If not, try saying some things like this:

• I know this is hard, but I’ll get through this.
• I don’t have to have everything figured out right now in order to keep going.
• I don’t have to be perfect.
• Being willing to try is what can build my confidence.

Notice & Accept Your Feelings without Judgment

What is the story that you keep telling yourself? It is easy to generalize and say things like “why do things like this always happen to me?” That’s not only untrue, but it’s a presupposition that disempowers you.

Zooming out of the situation and being objective is a skill that can get better the more you practice it. This can involve saying things to yourself like:
• I am not my thoughts and feelings, those change all the time.
• I cannot control everything going on right now, but I can control how I respond to it.
• I am more than my circumstances dictate.
• I can keep improving my ability to focus on my thoughts, actions, and emotions.

Be Willing to Learn, Change, and EVOLVE

There is a myth that people just become set in their ways. At a certain point, some of us think that this is it. They say “this is who I am, and I just have to deal with it.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth. We have the ability to learn and grow and become better versions of ourselves. The change doesn’t have to be huge. In fact, more often than not, it’s those small wins that add up to colossal changes over time. It helps to have patience and saying things to yourself like:

• I am still learning so it’s okay to make mistakes.
• I continuously learn and improve myself.
• I am on my own journey, and just try to get better each day.
• I see challenging situations as opportunities for me to learn more about myself and grow.

In such a digitally connected world, it is so easy to compare yourself to others. And even easier to succumb to social pressures and follow the herd. Do what your parents taught you, go where your friends go, fit in with the tribe. We are human beings who are wired for connection, but you have to answer to your own self FIRST before letting in the thoughts and opinions of others.

“Whatever you think you can’t do, just know that there is no one that is going to tell you ‘no’ but yourself. You have to continue to do what you want.”
— Selena Gomez