Toxic Positivity: 3 Ways I Overcame It

So I had a friend who was going through a divorce. Literally just started going through it, and wanted someone to talk to and just vent. He called me, and instead of actively listening, being a good friend, and just sitting with him in the midst of this very unpleasant situation… I said something so cringe-worthy, so awful, and I’m still embarrassed to this day that I said what I said when I said it: It’s either a lesson or a blessing.

Immediately following a failed marriage, a death, major loss, terminal diagnosis, or anything of the sort… the last thing someone wants to hear is toxic positivity like that. And unfortunately, I know now that I was guilty of having many toxic positivity moments like this.

I love positivity, happiness, laughter, joy, and fun. (I mean, who doesn’t?) But I loved these things so much, it was like I was so uncomfortable being uncomfortable. Being sad, scared, upset, uncertain or fearful. But here’s the problem with that: while I thought I was just being a positive person, I was actually suppressing most of my (and everyone else’s!) negative feelings.

I still love positivity but I’m not so naïve and now have more realistic expectations of life — and myself. I know I’m going to experience anger, sadness, fear, frustration, anxiety, nervousness, all the things.

It was not easy getting to a place where I could just feel the feelings, no judgment, and no self-talk that sounds like “I shouldn’t feel so ___”. I do my best to remember that feelings are just information.

All the information received and perceived from whatever experience is going to help to figure out how to move forward, help to understand oneself, help to understand where a boundary might need to be set, help to know what to do the next time these uncomfortable feelings come up.

Exploration of these feelings is also known shadow work. Which, at its core, is exploring negative feelings, trauma, or any part of yourself that you may not want to acknowledge or don’t like. Here are the 3 ways shadow work helped me to ditch the toxic positivity:

Learning How to Process Negative Feelings

We are often told if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Good advice, but we still have to understand that negative thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas, constructs, and concepts are going to come into our minds. It is unavoidable.

The power of shadow work can help us to figure out what to do with those negative thoughts. And to do something that is in our own best interest, and in the interests of others.

You can do the Work, ask the questions, and try to get to the root of what is making you feel a certain type of way. But even if you’re unsure, or maybe there’s more work to do to help you understand you… at the very least, you’re becoming more self-aware and choosing a path of healing and reconnecting to yourself.

Increasing Self Awareness

Actually admitting TO YOURSELF when
— you’re wrong
— you made a mistake
— you could have done better
— you hurt someone
— you fucked up

…whatever it is, is a big part of self awareness. This doesn’t mean you focus on your flaws or beat yourself up. But it means that you KNOW what your shortcomings are. And only when you know and can admit them, can you actually start to manage them better or improve.

People with fragile egos that aren’t willing to show any kind of weakness or vulnerability are draining to be around because it is INAUTHENTIC.

Real people fuck up. Real people make mistakes. Real people do things they know they aren’t supposed to do, and they don’t do things that they know they should.

The more you are aware of these things in your own life, the more power you have over what to do next to keep moving forward, instead of living in regret and shame.

Starting to Heal & Reconnect to Myself

Time does not heal all physical wounds, and it is the same for emotional wounds. If you don’t take care of the wound, and do the Work, it will not heal properly.

You might think it’s healed, but imagine you just covered a huge, gaping wound with a little tiny Band-Aid and forgot about it… it is likely to get worse without the proper care. And the first part of healing starts with ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

We all get hurt. We all experience heartbreak, loss, grief, invalidation, and everything in between. Moving through these negative experiences becomes much easier when you admit the discomfort and ask yourself what you really need to do, FOR YOU, to move on from it.

This is the shadow work. Tending to your emotional wounds, so the next time you’ll be stronger. The next time you won’t be so easily triggered. The next time, you’ll know your true self well enough to take care of you.

The most boring and the most dangerous people are those self righteous people who would have you believe they have no skeletons in their closets. In fact, they have no closets! They are full of baloney! I think that before you judge anybody, you should look at yourself and have enough courage to admit what you see. — Maya Angelou